Marian Thomas takes us through a tale of
endurance, loss and restoration in God´s Grace

This is the personal account of my journey to motherhood; a story of trial, endurance, faith and restoration.

I am one of those people who you would describe as a ‘mother hen’, someone who had always had strong maternal instincts.  It was my heart’s deepest desire to be a wife and mother.  God blessed me and I got married to my wonderful husband in 2009.

When we set upon trying to start a family, we realized it was not going to be as easy. We had an early miscarriage in 2011 which was upsetting but we tried to move on and look forward. Months turned into years and we were still not pregnant. It was very difficult to be among pregnant people and deal with the disappointment month after month. It had taken over our lives. We would go on to put our lives on hold for years.

Finally, in October 2013, we were very excited to have gotten pregnant. Everything was going fine and all of a sudden at 18 weeks on Dec 26th, without any warning, I went into pre-term labour. My water broke and I was rushed to the hospital only to find out that our baby had no heartbeat anymore. It was a boy. We named him Philip.

The shock, trauma, piercing pain of our loss was beyond bearable. It was very difficult to face people and every now and then we had to answer to people who didn’t know asking if the baby was born and other details. I was engulfed by grief and didn’t know how to cope. It was also very isolating because people weren’t sure how to approach me. I really could not fit back into the world as I had known it. Little children and pregnant women reminded me of what I had lost and I was filled with anxiety at the sight of them.

I could not understand why God would permit such a thing when we always sought his protection. After two more gruelling years of trying to have a baby we were thrilled to be pregnant again but went through a very difficult pregnancy with a lot of complications. I had to endure a lot of pain, discomfort, and multiple visits to the ER. For three months I was put on bed rest, unable to walk or do anything. We were being monitored closely with ultrasounds and injections every week.

At around the 20-week mark, they noticed some funnelling and I was admitted to the hospital for immediate surgery to put a stitch in. What should have been a straightforward surgery ended up being a  disaster labour progressed much faster than expected. After 10 hours of labour, Teresa was born. She lived for 20 minutes and we were able to hold her and have her baptised. As I watched my baby die in my arms, a part of me died.

One of the most difficult things I have had to do in life was to be wheeled out the delivery room empty handed amidst the cries of new-borns and joyous laughter in the adjoining rooms. I could not bear it that I was having to live through the same nightmare once again. Another precious child lost.

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